Is It Okay to Be Picky About Your Therapist? (Yes. Especially If They Fall Asleep.)

Let me tell you a true story.

I was in my early twenties, sitting across from a therapist, trying very hard to sound emotionally mature while describing something that felt huge at the time. Heartbreak. Betrayal. That general “I-don’t-know-who-I-am-but-please-fix-it” flavor of suffering.

I was mid-sentence when I noticed something strange.

Her head… bobbed.

Then again.

Then again.

I paused.

Maybe she was meditating?
Blinking slowly?
Demonstrating some radical presence technique I hadn’t learned yet?

No.

She was asleep.

The heat rushed into my face.

I remember thinking, This cannot be happening.

So I asked, “Am I boring you?”

She calmly replied she wasn’t sleeping. She was just resting her eyes.

Resting her eyes.

As I was spilling my 22-year-old heart out.

And just when I thought we had reached peak absurdity, she confidently said she remembered everything about my fiancé.

Spoiler alert.

There was no fiancé.

And the name she used for my partner at the time was completely made up.

I was stunned.

Not just annoyed.

Not just embarrassed.

I felt unseen.

Dismissed.

Small.

Alone.

And I did what many emotionally mature adults do.

I ghosted.

I never went back.

Now, with years of training and perspective, I can hold that story with more nuance.

But back then?

It hurt.

Because therapy is not just a service.

It is a relationship.

And relationships require presence.

Here is what I learned from that experience.

You are allowed to be picky.

We do not question it when someone changes hairdressers.
Or dentists.
Or personal trainers.

But with therapy, there is often this quiet guilt.

Maybe it’s me.
Maybe I’m too sensitive.
Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.

No.

You are not too much.

You are someone who wants to feel safe while being vulnerable.

That is reasonable.

Here are valid reasons to switch therapists, none of which make you a “difficult” client:

You feel judged, dismissed, or subtly corrected.
You do not feel emotionally safe enough to open up.
Your therapist seems distracted or not fully present.
Your body tightens instead of softens when you walk into the room.
Your gut keeps whispering, this doesn’t feel right.

And something else people do not say enough.

You do not owe loyalty to a therapeutic relationship that is not working.

There is no loyalty tax in therapy.

You are not quitting.

You are advocating for yourself.

Now, here is the important nuance.

Discomfort is not always a red flag.

Some sessions will be hard.
Some weeks you will not want to go.
Sometimes you will feel exposed or challenged.

That can be growth.

The key is learning to distinguish between:

This is uncomfortable but safe.

And

This feels unsafe or dismissive.

Your nervous system knows the difference.

You are not being picky.

You are being attuned.

And that is powerful.

You deserve to be taken seriously.
To be listened to.
To be met.

If you are looking for a therapeutic relationship where presence is non negotiable, you can reach out and explore whether working together feels aligned.

Because the right fit does not feel flashy.

It feels steady.

And awake.